Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Local Revision: Wordiness

Taken from Draft:

Take It To Court

The Austin County Police and District Attorney opened investigations in April of 2015, but failed to indict Lindsey because there was insufficient proof that she committed a crime. While it is illegal to kill feral cats in the state of Texas, District Attorney Travis Koehn stated in a press release that Lindsey might have acted to protect her pets from a potentially rabid stray cat. According to Texas law, this is a reasonable defense to an animal cruelty charge. Many members of the Brenham community claim that the cat in the photograph was Tiger, beloved pet of Amy Hemsell, who went missing on April 15, 2015. A YouTube video on Amy’s channel of Tiger can be found here. No positive identification could be made based on the photograph. This means that there is no reason to believe that the claim of protecting animals from a rabid cat is false.

Edited:

The Case is Taken To Court

The Austin County Police and District Attorney opened investigations in April of 2015, but failed to indict Lindsey because there was insufficient proof that she committed a crime. While it is illegal to kill feral cats in the state of Texas, District Attorney Travis Koehn stated in a press release that Lindsey might have acted to protect her pets from a rabid stray cat. According to Texas law, this is a viable defense to an animal cruelty charge. 

Many members of the Brenham community claim that the cat in the photograph was Tiger, beloved pet of Amy Hemsell, who went missing on April 15, 2015. A YouTube video on Amy’s channel of Tiger can be found here. No positive identification could be made based on the photograph. This means that there is no reason to believe that the claim of protecting animals from a rabid cat is false.

I honestly didn't change much. This is my wordiest paragraph, but it also contains conscice and important information. I changed a few words to synonyms to make the passage easier to read, but overall I think I did a great job the first time around. 

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